When Intergalactic Flirting Hussies Meet
by Draco the Lizard
Summary: Jack O'Neill meets Jack Harkness. And when two intergalactic flirting hussies meet, this sort of thing seems inevitable.


"I like uninhabited planets," Jack said. "They're nice, they're quiet, and nobody's trying to shoot you."

Teal'c nodded. "It is certainly pleasant after some of our more dangerous missions recently."

"Definitely!" Daniel agreed, from where he was studying the walls of an old building.

Sam was busy taking ground samples. "It was about time we had one too. No running away from enemies, I could get used to this." She grinned.

The team continued in this relaxed manner for a little while, until all looked up as they heard a strange sound. It sounded like a machine, cogwheels grinding and screeching. It sounded odd on this desolated planet.

"Carter? You were sure there were no signs of advanced civilisation?" Jack asked, grabbing his gun.

"Yes sir. No signs of civilisation whatsoever," She replied, grabbing her gun as well.

"In that case, I think we'd better go see what made that sound," Jack said, leading the way.

***

The Doctor was the first to step out of the TARDIS. "Ah, smell that clean, crisp air!" He said happily. "Makes you glad to be alive."

Jack and Rose exchanged glances. "Certainly makes a chance from the others planets we've visited," She said.

"Yep. Usually the planets have beings on them," Jack said sullenly. He had been hoping they'd be going to visit more interesting civilisations, but the Doctor had felt like going to a planet that had no civilisation at all.

Rose slapped his shoulder. "Come on Jack, when's the last time you had an entire planet to yourself?"

Jack had to smile at that. "Okay, I'll give you that."

"Anyone care to join me for an afternoon stroll through our own private planet?" The Doctor asked with a grin.

Rose hooked her arm through his. "Love to! Have you ever been here before?"

"Nope. This is all virgin soil for me." He grinned as Jack hooked his arm through the Doctor's. "What about you, Captain?"

"Won't be virgin soil for long," Jack replied, and grinned as well. The Doctor's cheerfulness was infectious.

"Off we go then," The Doctor said, and together the threesome walked away from the TARDIS.

***

Jack had been peering at the trio through his binoculars. "Carter? What do you think?"

"They look human, sir. I don't know what that blue box is. Teal'c, do you know what it could be?" Carter nudged the large man.

"I have not seen a device like that before, Major Carter," Teal'c replied.

"It looks like a telephone box," Daniel mused. "Like one of those British ones. Except that this one isn't bright red."

"Hmm." Jack fiddled a bit with his binoculars, focusing on the strange blue box. "It says Police Public Call Box. Sounds a bit like telephone box to me."

"Do you want to follow the three humans, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked.

"I think we should," Jack replied, and got up. "Come on."

***

"I think I know why I'm more of a city girl," Rose said, sitting on a rock. They had been walking for a bit now, but the combination of uneven ground and her heels had made a short break necessary.

"I could carry you, y'know," Jack said and winked.

Rose brushed at her shoes, removing the sand. "I don't doubt it for one minute."

The Doctor had been looking at their surroundings. "Come on, let's go! You're usually quite quick on your feet," He said, looking at Rose.

"That's because usually we're not in the countryside!" Rose replied.

"I suppose that's true," The Doctor mused. "Consider this a warm-up for any actual cross country running you may have to do in the future. And no heels next time!" He turned around to look at the fields and forest nearby. "It's a bit of change, though, isn't it? After all the industry, all the metal. All the machines." He seems to stare at nothing in particular.

Rose suspected he was walking down memory lane. And since the Doctor was quite old, his memory lane must be miles long. Better to shake him out of it, he always got morose when he was remembering. She jumped up. "Well, let's go. Let's explore nature."

The Doctor smiled at her. "Let's."

The three of them continued their journey, while the military team behind them continued theirs.

"Doctor?" Jack asked. "I think we're being followed."

"I know," The Doctor replied. "They haven't done anything so far, so I think they're harmless."

Rose was startled by this revelation, and looked behind her. She couldn't see any people. "Who is? What is?"

"Not sure," Jack said. "But like the Doctor said, they're probably just curious about us."

Rose didn't like the fact that they were being followed, harmless people or not. "Can't we ask them to come and meet us?"

"I think we'd better leave that to them. Let them approach us," The Doctor said. "I don't want to startle them."

"But just to be on the safe side, wouldn't it best to walk in a circle so that we'd at least be closer to the TARDIS?" Jack suggested.

The Doctor nodded. "Good idea."

The three continued like this for quite some time, and Jack and the Doctor both knew that their stalkers were still behind them.

"Sir, don't you think it's time we let them know about our presence?" Sam hissed.

"That's a no, Carter. I want to see where they're going," Jack replied quietly.

"Looks like they're just on a walk," Daniel complained. He preferred talking rather than stalking.

"Appearances can be deceiving, DanielJackson," Teal'c said. "I must agree with O'Neill. It is better to know their purpose on this planet before we engage interaction."

A short distance away, Rose was getting annoyed. "What's the point of following people around this long? Aren't they getting bored or something?"

"They must be used to this," The Doctor mused. "Maybe they're hunters."

"I wish you hadn't said that," Rose muttered. The thought of having aliens hunt them for sport or even worse frightened her. She took some comfort in the fact that Jack and the Doctor didn't seem worried.

"Don't worry," The Doctor patted Rose on the arm. "We're getting close to the TARDIS."

Rose nodded. It did make her feel safer, knowing that their way to escape was nearby.

A little distance away, Jack swore quietly. "They've walked into a large circle, leading us back to the blue box thing."

"Perhaps they realised they are being followed," Teal'c suggested.

"We could go up to them and ask," Daniel said hopefully.

"Best to see why they're going back to the blue box of 'em first," Jack decided and continued following them. The trio did go back to the blue box like he had thought. He wondered why they had done that. Had they realised they were being followed, or was it for another reason?

The three people stopped walking when they reached the blue box, and seemed to be talking to each other. The SG team kept a careful eye on the trio. "Can we go up and talk to them now?" Daniel asked, almost sulking. "You wanted to see what they would do. They're obviously waiting for us to meet them."

"Don't be too sure of that, Daniel," Jack said.

"Well, why not? They obviously know we're here, the guy in the white shirt pointed in this direction a couple of times. They're waiting for us to make the first contact. They're curious, but they don't want to frighten us by approaching us," Daniel huffed. "How about I talk to them? You guys can stay here and keep an eye on me."

Jack grabbed Daniel by his sleeve. "You're not going out to say hi to them by yourself. Carter, go with him. Teal'c and I will give you cover."

Sam nodded, and she and Daniel made their way to the trio and the blue box. The man in the leather jacket was already waving at them. "He seems friendly," Sam said.

Daniel nodded. "We're off to a good start." He waved back and smiled. He noticed that the blonde girl and the other man were smiling too. Good, they all seemed friendly. He hoped they spoke a language he understood, and that this wasn't a trap.

"Nice to finally properly meet you," The man in the leather jacket said, looking Sam and Daniel up and down. "Got tired of stalking us, did you?"

"Curiosity won," Daniel said, he and Sam both looking a bit embarrassed at being called on the following like that. "I'm Daniel Jackson, this is Major Carter. We're peaceful explorers from Earth."

"Nice to meet you, Daniel," The man shook his hand. "I'm the Doctor. This is Rose, and this is Jack. We're peaceful explorers too. I'm not from Earth, but Rose is."

"Do you mind if we ask how you got here?" Sam asked, after shaking hands with the Doctor, Jack and Rose.

The Doctor pointed at the blue box behind them. "TARDIS. Travels through time and space. How did you get here?"

"Stargate," Daniel said. "Travels through space."

"And time," Sam added. "But only if a solar flare affects the wormhole. And we can't control it, so we don't know when we end up. So we only use it for travelling through space."

"You sound pretty adventurous," Jack said. "I think I like you. Both of you." He gave Daniel and Sam a meaningful glance. "Have you guys ever been to Exxilon? I know a great bar in the Great City, I bet we could have lots of fun swapping stories, amongst others."

"Time travel with solar flares can be tricky, tell me about it. I can't count the times they knocked the TARDIS off course!" The Doctor said, ignoring Jack. "It's a bit of a bumpy ride sometimes."

Sam smiled. "The Stargate can be quite bumpy as well. So, can I ask you how you travel trough space? If it's not wormholes, then what is it?"

"Long story," The Doctor said. "Bit dull too. It involves transdimensional engineering."

"Sounds interesting," Sam said and smiled.

"Er, Sam? Can we contact Jack and Teal'c now and say it's safe?" Daniel asked.

"Sure." Sam waved at the bushes Jack and Teal'c were hiding behind, signalling that was okay to join them.

"I see you've brought friends," Jack said, watching the two men walk towards them. "Who are they?"

"The one with the golden tattoo would be Teal'c, and the other is Colonel Jack O'Neill," Daniel explained.

"A Colonel and a Major, huh?" Jack remarked, eyeing Sam. "Sounds like you're a military operation."

"We're peaceful explorers," Sam said. "Really."

"Which would explain the weapons." The Doctor glanced at Sam's gun.

"It's for our own protection," She protested. "You wouldn't believe the enemies we've made, the things we've had to defend ourselves from."

"I believe it," Rose said. "There's time I wish we had something besides a sonic screwdriver."

"Are you saying my screwdriver's useless? It saved our lives plenty of times!" The Doctor told her. "You know, I can always bring you back to your mum and your boyfriend. Don't think he has anything better than a sonic screwdriver though."

Rose laughed at that. "Stop it, you."

"Hello, cheerful people," Jack greeted them, taking off his cap. "I take it you've already been introduced to our good Doctor and Major here?"

"And to you, in a fashion," Jack replied and extended his hand. "Captain Jack Harkness."

Jack raised an eyebrow at that. "What a coincidence. Colonel Jack O'Neill."

"And I'm the Doctor, and this young lady here is Rose. And now that we've had that annoying introductory phase out of the way, we can continue where we left off."

"Left off?" Jack queried, wondering what Daniel and Carter had been doing.

"I was busy telling your friends here how boring transdimensional engineering is," The Doctor explained.

"I believe it immediately," Jack replied, not wanting to know much about anything that sounded too scientific. He would let Carter deal with that.

"Your Major here wasn't too convinced," The Doctor said, and smiled at Sam. "She seems to think it's interesting. Me, I failed the course twice before finally passing. Trust me, it's boring. I'm an expert on how boring transdimensional engineering is."

"You'll only make her more interested by saying it's boring," Jack said. "Carter's odd like that. She thinks boring things are fun, and fun things are boring."

"He's just upset not everybody thinks fishing is the best thing in the world," Sam replied, slightly annoyed.

"Plenty of people enjoy fishing, Carter. Teal'c, you tell her how much you enjoyed fishing with me," Jack told the big man behind him.

"I am afraid I can not do that, O'Neill," Teal'c said. "It would be dishonourable to lie to Major Carter."

Sam smirked triumphantly at that, but Jack wasn't giving up. "Any of you ever done some fishing?" He asked the other three.

The Doctor and Jack shook their heads, but Rose nodded. "I never caught actual fish, mind. Not a lot of them about in the Thames."

"Then you will enjoy O'Neill's lake in Minnesota. It does not have actual fish either," Teal'c said, almost smirking.

Jack glared at his friend. "I thought we weren't going to talk about that anymore, Teal'c." Then he turned to Rose and smiled. "So, tell me about the Thames. Sounds interesting."

Luckily for five out of seven people there, the fishing discussion got ended because of another grinding noise, the same noise SG-1 had heard before. Everybody looked surprised, especially the Doctor. "It can't be," He said. "There isn't another one. Unless… no, that would only happen in extraordinary circumstances."

Another blue box, which looked like an exact copy of the TARDIS, appeared out of nowhere. It very much startled SG-1, and the other three looked surprised as well.

"Doctor? Do you think someone stole your TARDIS?" Rose wondered, backing away.

"It's unlikely. The TARDIS is very loyal to me. She wouldn't let just anyone use her," The Doctor said confidently, standing his ground.

Jack decided to keep his gun ready anyway, and he nodded at Sam to do the same. From the corner of his eye he saw Teal'c readying his staff weapon.

The door of the second TARDIS opened, and a man stuck his head out. "I'm unarmed!" He said cheerfully. "No need to shoot me."

"Who are you?" The Doctor asked.

"You. The next version of you, actually. I've come to warn you," The man replied, stepping out of the TARDIS. He was dressed entirely in brown. Brown coat, brown suit. He even had brown hair and eyes. The only thing that wasn't brown were his trainers. "It's serious. And rather private. So if you could just come with me please."

"This had better be important," The Doctor said. "This is breaking most major laws of Gallifrey."

"Good thing it doesn't exist anymore then," The other Doctor said.

"This – This travelling back in time to warn yourself is still a major taboo though," The Doctor argued. "It's forbidden for a reason!"

"I know, and I wouldn't be here if the universe itself didn't depend on it." The Doctor looked grave. "Trust me. It's important."

"Fine," The Doctor grumbled. "Let's go."

The two Doctors walked away, to have their conversation without anyone else eavesdropping.

"I wonder what's so important," Rose said. "If the universe depends on it and all."

"It sounded serious," Sam remarked. "Has this happened before? His future self visiting his current one?"

Rose shrugged. "Not as far as I know." She looked at Jack, who shrugged as well.

"I've heard of it happening, future selves warning past selves about something. But like the Doctor said, it's forbidden in all civilisations where time travel is possible. The ramifications are innumerable. If people went visiting their past selves for any old reason, there's no telling what could happen," Jack explained. "There're special committees you have to visit in order to get permission and even then it's almost impossible to get permission."

"Your Doctor managed it quite fine," Jack stated.

"The Doctor's a Time Lord. He knows what he's doing," Jack replied. "Most of the time, anyway. Besides, the man's got his own time machine. It's rather hard to forbid him to do anything."

"I just hope this isn't a warning that aliens are about to invade this planet or something," Rose said. "I was enjoying the quiet."

"It is indeed quite pleasant," Teal'c remarked. "Something different from the hostile environments we usually run into."

"You as well, huh?" Jack said. "I swear, that TARDIS has got a sixth sense for taking us to dangerous places."

"They're coming back," Daniel said, having watched the two Doctors talk to each other. They had been looking their way quite a bit. He hoped that whatever threatened the universe wasn't because of them.

"So? Tell us, what's about to destroy the universe?" Rose asked, as the Doctor returned.

The other Doctor quickly boarded his TARDIS, and left with the same mechanic noises that had signalled his arrival.

"He didn't even say goodbye!" Daniel said, surprised.

"I know. Every now and then I become quite rude. Be glad he didn't tell you you were all idiots," The Doctor told them.

"You've done that?" Jack said, putting his gun away again now that the stranger had gone.

"A couple of times, yes. Look, I'm not proud of my previous rude incarnations or anything. But I thought you wanted to know about this thing that might destroy the universe?" The Doctor asked. Everyone nodded and waited anxiously.

"It might shock you a bit," The Doctor said. "So be prepared. It involved the two of you." He motioned towards Jack and Jack.

"Us?" Jack said. "How? How the hell do we destroy the fabric of the universe?"

"That's what I'd like to know," Jack added. "Carter? Is that even possible?"

Sam shrugged. It seemed to her that the Doctor knew a lot more about the universe than she did.

"It's got to do with reaching a critical mass," The Doctor explained. "When something reaches a critical mass in the universe, the universe tries to remove that critical mass. In this case, it's going to do that by exploding."

"What critical mass?" Sam asked. "Is there something we can do about it?"

"There's only so much blatant flirting the universe can stand in one place. And yes, we can do something about it by not doing something about it," The Doctor said. "To be more specific, it's up to Jack and Jack here not to do something."

"Sounds easy, not doing something," Jack said, impatiently tapping his gun. "What is it we don't do?"

"Have sex," The Doctor said bluntly.

The reactions were interesting. Teal'c seemingly didn't react at all, but upon closer inspection his eyebrow had moved up by one micrometer. Daniel's mouth fell open and he stared at the Doctor like a confused goldfish. Sam blushed and looked away. Rose thought the sand at her feet was very interesting. Jack and Jack stared at each other, until they both started staring at the Doctor like he had grown a second head.

"You've got to be kidding me. The universe explodes if we have sex?" Jack asked. "That's ridiculous. Carter, tell him how ridiculous it is."

"And why would I want to have sex with him?" Jack demanded. "Er, no offence. I'm sure you're a very nice guy and all."

"None taken. I'm sure you're a very nice guy too," Jack replied.

"Don't ask ME why you'd want to have sex with each other," The Doctor said. "I'm just passing on the message! Obviously, in my future self's timeline the two of you had sex and the universe exploded because the amount of flirting reached a critical mass! It killed everyone. I only survived 'cause the TARDIS made it through the explosion and picked up my dead body. I regenerated and turned into that man you just saw."

The two Jacks looked at each other again. "But we're allowed to just talk to each other, right?" Jack asked. "Carter? Are you done looking at that tree?"

"Yes sir," Sam said, still blushing a bit.

"Yes, you can do anything BUT have sex. Or anything sexual. So no kissing, making out, or touching each other inappropriately," The Doctor listed.

"Inappropriate?" Jack asked. "Like this?" He slapped the other Jack's ass, who jumped away and aimed his gun at Jack.

"Do that again and I'll blow your head off!" He threatened.

"Can't do that without making the universe explode," Jack replied, and winked.

"Fine, I guess slapping each other's arses is okay since we can all see that the universe is still intact," The Doctor said with annoyance. "But don't test it like that again, okay? Unless you want me to tie you up to the TARDIS console."

"Promise?" Jack asked.

The Doctor snorted, and walked over to his TARDIS. "I think I heard someone say they were interested in transdimensional engineering?"

Everybody except the two Jacks was suddenly very interested in transdimensional engineering, and followed the Doctor into the TARDIS.

"Wow…" Daniel whispered. "It's amazing!"

"So the transdimensional engineering is responsible for it being bigger on the inside?" Sam asked, looking at the large room in amazement.

"Clever girl!" The Doctor said with a grin. "It's responsible for quite some other things as well."

"How do you deal with the different languages though?" Daniel asked. "If you travel through time and space, well, you'd come across an infinite number of languages."

"TARDIS takes care off it. It translates alien languages to your own, and makes sure that your language get translated to the alien's. It's very handy," The Doctor said.

"No kidding." Daniel eyed the console. "So, which part is responsible for that?" He carefully slid a finger over the console. The metal felt warm. Not hot, just pleasantly warm. Like human skin was warm. Amazing.

"You have an amazing machine at your disposal, Doctor. Are you not worried it might fall into the hands of the enemy?" Teal'c asking, having looked around in amazement as well.

"I always lock it up before I leave, and it's almost impossible to open without the proper key," The Doctor said. "And even if an enemy gets in, the TARDIS likes me. She wouldn't just listen to anyone." He caressed one of the walls tenderly. "Isn't that right?"

"He gets like that sometimes," Rose said. "Makes you wonder if he wouldn't rather be alone with it."

***

Meanwhile, Jack and Jack had remained outside the TARDIS, standing in an uncomfortable silence. "So… we're not supposed to have sex with each other," Jack said, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

"Guess not," Jack said, looking at an interesting tree. It might be the same one Carter had been looking at before.

"You know, when I said I didn't want to have sex with you, I wasn't insulting you. I'm sure you're a nice guy. You're in great shape for a man your age, and I've always liked a bit of grey. And hey, it takes a strong person to resist a man in a uniform," Jack said, and smiled.

Jack smiled back. "Thanks, I guess. It's just a bit weird to get told you're not allowed to have sex with someone when it hadn't even crossed your mind to even consider it."

"I know. I guess we owe it to the universe to not do it," Jack replied.

Jack laughed at that. "Imagine, saving the universe by NOT having sex. I wish most of our missions were like that."

Jack nodded. "I get where you're coming from. I've been on some dangerous missions as well."

They were quite happy to have found something to talk about besides the 'no sex' issue, and the two Jacks continued to brag about dangerous missions for quite some time.

***

Time flew inside the TARDIS. The Doctor seemed to be everywhere at once. One second he was discussing the finer points of quantum with Sam, the next he'd be with Daniel, talking about alien cultures. And after that, he and Teal'c discussed how difficult it was to leave everything you knew behind to begin what you hoped was a better life for all concerned. And then the cycle started over again, because Sam always had another question about the physics of the TARDIS, Daniel never ran out of interesting alien stories and Teal'c was there if the Doctor needed someone who didn't talk his ear off.

Rose was happy. These were people from Earth, from her time. These were people she could relate to. These were people, like her, who travelled through space and had seen amazing things. It was good to have a normal chat with normal people every now and then.

"But isn't 19 a bit young to travel through space and time?" Sam asked her when she wasn't eyeing the TARDIS console in an overly friendly manner.

Rose shrugged. "Maybe. But plenty of my friends have gone back-packing through Europe or Australia. I'm back-packing through the universe. Plus, I've got him." She nodded at the Doctor.

Sam looked at the Doctor for a moment, who was busy talking to Daniel about alien cultures no doubt. "I suppose it's good to have someone who knows what he's doing. We're relatively new to travelling across the galaxy. We've been making it up as we go along. Being the first humans to meet a new race is amazing, but sometimes it'd be handy to have someone there who knows that they get insulted when you pick up a cup with your left hand."

"I thought that's what he was for?" Rose asked, pointing at Daniel. "Alien culture expert and all that?"

"Human culture expert," Sam corrected. "You can put him anywhere on Earth and he wouldn't insult anyone, but customs on other planets are another thing altogether, even if some of those cultures originally came from Earth. Still, we've learned from our mistakes."

"I bet," Rose said, looking at Sam tapping at the TARDIS console. "I don't think you'll figure out. I haven't, and I've been in here for months."

Sam smiled. "Can't blame me for trying though."

Teal'c suddenly appeared next to the two women, and startled Rose a bit. "Oh, hi!" She said. "I didn't hear you coming."

Teal'c bowed his head. "I am sorry for startling you. I wished to ask a question."

"Sure," Rose said, hoping it was one she could answer.

"What would your Captain Jack do after being told he was not to be intimate with someone, or the universe would cease to exist?" He asked, looking solemn.

"Well, he would…" Rose realised exactly what Jack would do. "He would try it anyway. Just to see if it really happened. He would push the button the said 'don't push' just to see why."

"I see. Major Carter, what do you think O'Neill would do in this situation?"

Sam spluttered for a bit. "Well, I hope he has the common sense not to do anything inappropriate!"

Teal'c looked at her meaningfully. "You hope O'Neill has common sense regarding being physically intimate with someone he has just met?"

"Well, I mean, er, sure, there was Kynthia, but he was drugged. And with Laira he had been stuck for a hundred days," Sam said, sounding like she was trying to convince herself.

Teal'c just continued his meaningful look. "Indeed."

"The universe is about to explode, isn't it?" Rose remarked. "I think we should tell the Doctor."

***

"This is all your fault, y'know," Jack said pleasantly, taking off his military boots.

"My fault?" Jack spluttered shirtlessly. "Excuse me? I just wondered how far we could go. You were probably wondering the same thing!"

"Ah, but you wondered out loud. You started it. If the universe explodes, I'm blaming you," Jack said and grinned at the other man.

"D'you think we can at least go out with a bang?" Jack wondered, taking off his shoes before getting his jeans off. He had gone commando as always.

"I think we owe it to the universe to at least try," Jack said, looking at the other, now naked, man. "If I have to go out banging someone, it might as well be you."

"You flatter me," Jack snorted. "Also, who says you're banging ME?"

"I'm a Colonel. You're a Captain. I outrank you," Jack stated, throwing his shirt on the ever growing pile of clothes.

"I don't think you can pull rank in these kinda situations, SIR," Jack said. "Besides, any officer worth his salt would acknowledge that sometimes someone of a lower rank with more expertise can outrank someone in a particular case."

"You sayin' you got more expertise then?" Jack asked. "Prove it."

"I'm trying to prove it, but you're not cooperating," Jack said, wondering when the older man was finally getting all his clothes off. Earth military was always wearing too much clothes. But they had nice uniforms, so Jack decided not to complain too much.

"I'm all ears, Harkness. And that's more cooperation than some of my own people get." Jack chucked his last garment on the no longer growing pile of clothes. "So, convince me that I should let you handle the banging."

"Okay. For starters, I've done men, women, humans that identified as neither man or woman, humans in between being a man and a woman, humans that have had surgery to be both man AND woman, and let me tell you, that was quite a ride. Do you want me start on the aliens as well?" Jack said triumphantly. "Or are you going to submit to my greater expertise in the area of good bangs?"

"You certainly know how to flatter a guy, don't you?" Jack said, trying not to look impressed with Jack's little list of conquests.

"I can be more charming than that to people I've just met. Ask those two friends of yours, Daniel and Sam. I was VERY charming to them," Jack replied.

Jack rolled his eyes. "You were discussing engineering. I can see how that would get Carter hot and bothered, but not Daniel."

"The Doctor was discussing engineering. I was inviting them to a little bar on Exxilon," Jack said.

"Both of them?" Jack asked.

"Of course. Wouldn't you, if you were in my shoes?" Jack said, grinning. "Gorgeous guy, gorgeous gal. Why choose if you can have your cake AND eat it?"

Jack stared at him for a moment. "Now that's just greedy!"

"Oh please, you've thought about it," Jack said, bridging the distance between them. "Lonely nights on some godforsaken planet, sharing accommodations. Or do you share with the big guy? He's impressive, can't blame you."

"I do NOT have inappropriate thoughts about colleagues," Jack told him and glared sternly.

"You so have," Jack tilted his head. "It's okay, we're only human. I have plenty of inappropriate thoughts about my current colleagues."

"I just bet you do," Jack drawled. "About your own colleagues, and mine. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Mmm, love to. Threesome, foursome, and anything beyond that is just an orgy. Simple adult fun. Nothing wrong with that," Jack said, stroking Jack's arm.

"Except that I'm a Colonel in the Air Force, and I'd get my ass kicked out of the service if they knew I was screwing my team-mates," Jack said. "Do you know what's that like? I'm constantly surrounded by three people who are fantastic and sexy as hell , and I can't do anything about it."

"All that pent up frustration…" Jack trailed off, staring into Jack's brown eyes.

"Oh, yeahsureyabetcha," Jack growled, and wrestled the other Jack to the ground.

"Unfair!" Jack shouted, trying to get the upper hand. Unarmed combat wasn't his specialty.

"All's fair in love, war, and a damn good banging!" Jack replied, overly cheerful. He managed to get Jack on his stomach, face in the dirt. He had pinned Jack's hands on his back. "Now, what was all that stuff earlier about me being in great shape for a man my age, hmm?"

Jack spit out some of the sand. "I was trying to be nice, you ass!"

"And speaking of asses, yours isn't too bad either," Jack replied, swatting Jack's ass lightly. "I'm sure we can put it too good use."

"I'm sure we can put yours to good use too!" Jack said angrily. Dammit, how had the older man gotten him into this position? He would have to wait until Jack was distracted, and then make his move. He was not going down without a fight. And he really shouldn't think about going down right now.

"Yeah well, you're the one swinging it round like that. If I had known you were THAT desperate to get laid, I would never have wasted all that time talking to ya!" Jack leaned over to his pack and trousers. He was pretty sure he had some sunscreen and condoms in there somewhere.

Jack smirked to himself. He didn't know why Jack was moving around, but hey, it was a distraction which made it easier for him to wiggle just this way so he could get free from Jack's clutches. Freedom to move made it easy for him to lunge at Jack, who was leaning over his pack. "Gotcha!" Jack bit Jack's ear sharply, and wrapped him tightly in his arms from behind.

"I move away for one second!" Jack muttered. He had gotten nowhere near the sunscreen or the condoms before the other man had pulled this move on him.

"Yep!" Jack said cheerfully. "You should never leave the enemy unattended, y'know."

"Ah, so you're saying that I should've just you tied up?" Jack asked. He could do that. He could so very much do that.

"Would've been a start," Jack admitted, licking Jack's ear. "Nice one too." After some of the alien things he'd done, a little bit of bondage seemed almost boring.

"Well, if you let me go, I'd be more than happy to tie you up. Belt or bootlaces?" Jack asked, tilting his head to give Jack more licking space. "I'm flexible."

"I bet you are." Jack had decided that nuzzling Jack's neck was a good plan. "Now, where did you say the sunscreen was?"

"In my pack. Which I can't reach since you've turned into a human octopus," Jack told him. "So either you let go of me, or no sunscreen. OR condoms."

Jack didn't think it was worth the risk. They might blow up the universe, the least they could do was do it safely. "What about the belt? Where's that?"

"You wanna tie me up while YOU go looking for lube?" Jack turned to give Jack a questioning glance.

"Of course. I'm not going to let you move out of this position for a long time," Jack grinned. "It's perfect for what I have in mind." He nudged Jack's ass with his erection. "Perfect."

Jack chuckled. "For what you have in mind, maybe but not for me. I'm on my knees here!"

"I know," Jack purred. "I like it."

"I don't know. My lower legs are falling asleep, and my knees aren't liking this either," Jack said. "Comes with getting older."

Jack leaned against Jack's back. "What a dilemma. Watch you suffer while I fuck you, or release you and have another little wrestling match."

"That will result in you losing," Jack said smugly.

"I don't know, your knees are giving your trouble. I think I'm at an advantage here." Jack was pretty sure he could beat the older man if his lower legs were giving him trouble. He slowly let go off Jack. "Well?"

Jack stayed on his knees for a moment, and rummaged through his trousers. "We start when we got the supplies we need," He promised.

Jack sat back, and waited for the other man to finish. That seemed reasonable. It gave him time to devise a strategy. His previous tactic had consisted of simply jumping Jack, and it had worked quite well. Perhaps he should stick with that.

Jack turned around and put the sunscreen and the condom package between them. "That way it'll be in reach no matter who wins," He explained.

"That's fair." Jack nodded and eyed Jack suspiciously. The man was sneaky, he had already learned that. He should not underestimate him simply because he was older.

"Want me to add the belt too?" Jack asked, reaching behind him for his trousers.

"Why not? It'll make things more interesting." Jack hoped the universe wasn't going to explode from them having sex. If it did, they wouldn't get to have sex a second time. Or a third time.

The belt now surrounded the sunscreen and the condoms, like they were some sort of prize. Jack figured that they were, in a way. The one who got a hold of them had won their little wrestling match. Ultimate prize? Fucking the loser. Although as far as both of them were concerned, the runner-up prize was still quite nice. It just wasn't the prize of the winner.

"On ten?" Jack asked, crouching low. The last time he had wrestled someone naked was several years ago, and it was nothing compared to this. For starters, his last opponent had three arms.

"Sure." Jack grinned. "Ten!" He shouted suddenly, and lunged for the other man.

Jack had been counting on this, and moved away. As Jack was busy leaning forward to grab him, he moved to cover Jack's back with his own. He pressed down hard, but the other man stubbornly refused to lie down. "Dammit! I'm on top! Give in!" He started licking Jack's ear again, hoping to weaken the competition a little.

"Air Force colonels don't give in!" Jack panted, and in a move that took Jack by surprise turned around.

It took the men some rolling around, but Jack eventually managed to get Jack back in his previous position: Face down on the ground. "I win!" Jack sing-songed. "Air Force colonels NEVER lose."

Jack grumbled. Oh, sure, fine. Gloat about it, why don't you? "You're a sore winner," He muttered.

"You're about to be a sore loser," Jack said, reaching for his prize. "You submit?"

"Yes. Fine. I give up, you win, I got beaten by a man who's fucking twenty years my senior," Jack grumbled, wishing that Jack would just hurry up and get the belt.

"You're not fooling me Jack, you're not that young," Jack said, smacking his ass lightly again. "But I'm glad you finally decided to submit." He held Jack's hips, pulling him up to his knees.

"I had you figured for the dominant type." Jack held his hands together behind his back as Jack tied the belt around it. "You were oozing masculinity." He liked it.

"I'm going to take that as a compliment," Jack said, spreading the sunscreen on his fingers. "And speaking of masculinity…"

Jack turned his head a little. "What?" He saw Jack hold up a pair of glistening fingers. "Oh."

"Not quite the reaction I was hoping for," Jack said. "But we can work on that." He slowly slid one finger into Jack, making him hiss in pleasure. "That's better."

No, that wasn't better at all. Jack was just a big damn tease, and probably still gloating too. Good thing he couldn't see the gloating. "Get on with it!" He moved his ass upwards, hoping Jack would get the hint.

"Geez, I didn't know you were in such a hurry to make the universe explode," Jack replied.

He was going to make the older man's universe explode if he didn't get on with it. Jack had experience with this. He didn't need the whole one finger, two fingers, three fingers warm up. Okay, sure, a little stroking of his prostrate was nice, but a good pounding was preferable. "I think I know how we made the universe explode. It wasn't flirting that reached a critical level, it was my boredom."

Jack bristled, and wasn't too gentle with the two fingers. "I'll show you boredom!"

Jack smiled happily. Now they were getting somewhere. He liked it a little rough, and he figured Jack was just the man to give it to him. "I'm waiting."

"Fine, I get it. For crying out loud, you try to be gentle and nice and they give you attitude!" Jack muttered, and got into a better position. "Kids these days."

"Hardly a kid, Jack," Jack told him, grinning. He wondered if the universe was going to explode before he got off. He hoped not.

"I noticed," Jack said, slipping his fingers out of Jack's ass.

Jack felt Jack's dick poking at his ass. It felt a bit odd, but it slid in relatively easily, just as he expected. He groaned quietly in pleasure. The universe hadn't exploded yet. Good. That meant they might get some actual fucking done before it did.

"O'Neill!" Jack looked up when he heard Teal'c shout for him.

"Crap," He muttered. "This is not going to look good."

"Not really," Jack agreed from underneath him. "Think you can think of a good excuse?"

"Nope. Sorry. I'm busy having my dick up your ass."

"Good point."

"Maybe if we stay really quiet they won't hear us," Jack suggested.

It didn't work. "Ah, here you are!" The Doctor's grinning face appeared in front of them. He didn't seem very shocked at their position. "Teal'c! I found 'em!"

Jack groaned, and it wasn't even at the pleasure of having his dick in a nice, warm, tight place. It was from having his friend and colleague see him like this. Maybe he could say that Jack had drugged him. It had happened before.

"Indeed." Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow at the display.

"Teal'c, buddy, would you believe me if I said he drugged me?" Jack asked.

"I would not," Teal'c replied.

"I do not have to drug people into having sex with me!" Jack grunted, and shoved himself upwards to impale himself on Jack.

"Oh yeaaah I hear ya," Jack panted. "No need to, oh that's good, prove it."

"Have you noticed how the universe hasn't exploded, by the way?" The Doctor asked cheerfully.

"I noticed, yeah," Jack said. "What's your point?" He kept his hands on Jack's hips, trying to keep him from moving. The damn man was wriggling! Wriggling nicely, yes, but not the sort of wriggling Jack wanted him to do in front of an audience.

"It was all a bit of a mix-up," The Doctor said. "My future incarnation just paid us another visit, when we were looking for you. We knew you'd get yourselves into this, and it's a good thing we didn't find you earlier."

"Get to the point!" Jack shouted. He didn't think he could take much more of Jack's writhing. The man was damn well fucking himself on Jack, and moaning as well. Exhibitionistic slut. He liked it.

"The future Doctor said he had made a mistake. The universe had exploded because of an incident on Drahva, which he has rectified. The universe is no longer in danger of exploding," Teal'c said. "Your physical intimacy may continue."

"Thank god," Jack groaned. He didn't think he could handle it if he had to stop. He was having the time of his life screwing himself on the other man. He would've been forced to at least attempt to kill the Doctor.

"I believe it would be better if we left," Teal'c said to the Doctor.

"You think?" The Doctor asked, and the Jacks shot him an angry look. "Fine, fine, I'll leave you two primates to your fun."

"Is he always acting that superior?" Jack asked, watching Teal'c and the Doctor leave.

"Uh huh," Jack said. "Always. Now, can we go back to what we were doing before our friends found us?"

"Patience is a virtue, you know," Jack remarked.

"I'm face down in the sand, my hands are tied behind my back and I've got a dick up my ass! How virtuous do you think I am?" Jack yelled, and roughly shoved himself backwards.

"Geez god," Jack groaned. "No need to be rough."

"You like it." Jack closed his eyes. "It's okay. I like it too."

"I like it a little too much, if you catch my drift. I'd rather stay buried up your ass for some more. Who knows when I get another chance to get laid?" Jack asked, slowly pumping in and out.

"You wanna wait 'till your other friends turn up? The gorgeous ones? Maybe Rose'll join 'em as well," Jack panted. "We'd have quite the audience."

"Don't mention that," Jack said between gritted teeth. God, the thought of Carter and Daniel seeing him like this, having the time of his life fucking another guy was doing more for him than he expected. Maybe they'd finally realise that Jack liked sex without being drugged or stuck on another planet. And maybe they'd stop making things so hard for him as well. It was getting difficult to watch Daniel bend over to read an inscription and not go over to him, pull down his trousers and stick his dick up that annoyingly tight ass. Or Carter, her eyes getting big with excitement every time she saw something impressive. He had something impressive for her too, but she actually seemed to prefer fiddling with alien technology over fiddling with him. And Daniel! Jack thought that he could stick his hands down the archaeologist's trousers and Daniel still wouldn't think it was a come on. His team-mates were clueless morons.

"You like that too, huh?" Jack groaned. "I bet that Daniel would join in if we asked him nicely."

"Tell him it was a male bonding ritual," Jack replied, chuckling to distract himself from the mental image Jack had just given him.

Jack laughed too. "You'd tie him up too?"

Jack felt the shaking of laughter around his dick. "Stop laughing! And god, yes. Maybe he'd finally stay in the same spot for more than five minutes."

"Mmm," Jack moaned. "We could have such fun with him."

"You two-timing on me already?" Jack grunted. "We're not even finished, and you're already thinking about sex with my archaeologist."

"A threesome isn't cheating, Jack," Jack gasped. "Think of it as an enrichment of our sex life."

Jack ground down hard, making Jack arch his back and moan loudly. "Are you calling me boring?"

"No-o, not at all," Jack said shakily. "Not at all, god no."

Jack returned to a more leisurely pace. He liked taking his time for this. "Just thought we should be clear on that."

"Can I be clear on something else?" Jack asked.

"What?"

"Are you going to fuck me properly or are you going to continue at a speed a snail would be ashamed of?" Jack bitched. He had liked the rough and hard bit just then. Really liked it.

"Impatient little fucker," Jack grunted, emphasising each word by thrusting harder until Jack did the back-arching moaning combo he liked so much.

"Keep that up," Jack moaned. "Keep going."

It didn't take either of them long to come after the change of pace, and afterwards they lay on the ground, panting. "That was fun," Jack finally said. This was going in his top ten of 'best moments since going through the Stargate' list.

"Oh yeah," Jack agreed.

"You wanna get dressed and join the others?" Jack suggested. "They might be getting worried."

"I can't move," Jack complained. "Let them worry."

Jack decided that he couldn't really be bothered to move either. "Yeah. Let them worry."

***

"Well, it's been interesting to meet you," Sam told the Doctor as they were all gathered around the Stargate.

"It's been interesting meeting you as well. All of you," The Doctor said, and nudged Jack, who was standing by his side with Rose. "Right?"

"Very interesting," Jack replied, giving Jack a meaningful look.

Jack figured that ignoring it was the best option. "Go on Daniel, dial us home. The General must be waiting for us by now."

"Is it possible for us to set up a meeting for some other time?" Sam asked eagerly. "The technology in your TARDIS is fascinating."

"I'm not really the meeting type, sorry," The Doctor replied. "And besides, half the time I can't even get the TARDIS to go where I want her to go. She's a tad unpredictable sometimes, but that's why I love her."

Sam nodded, trying not to show her disappointment. "Then it's too bad we can't meet again. Isn't that right, Colonel?"

Jack saw right through her innocent demeanour. He was afraid he'd have to deal with a lot of little remarks like that for a long time. Ah well. "Real bad, Carter. Means we'll be forced to travel with Stargates rather than phone booths for a little while longer, but we'll live."

The wormhole established behind them as everybody said their goodbyes. "But if you ever do decide to drop in on the SGC, let us know!" Sam said before disappearing in the wormhole. Daniel had gone before, and Teal'c seemed to be waiting for Jack.

"So long, Doctor, Rose… Jack." He grinned at the other man. "It's been something."

"Sure was!" Jack replied and smiled as well. He waved as the two men turned to walk into the wormhole, and watched as the wormhole vanished.

"I could drop you off in that SGC of theirs right now," The Doctor said. "If the TARDIS cooperates."

Jack chuckled. "That'd be quite a surprise, wouldn't it? But no, let's give him some time to miss me first." He walked off with a spring in his step.

The Doctor shook his head and looked at Rose. "Human men," He said, figuring this was a subject they could both complain about.

"I know. Jack probably told the guy he was going to call him the next day too," Rose said, hooking her arm through the Doctor's.

"Men're all scum," The Doctor agreed cheerfully. "So, what were you doing in the TARDIS while me and the big guy were looking for Jack and Jack? I hope you weren't too worried about the universe exploding. I don't know how my future self could've made that mistake."

"Oh, well, y'know. We talked a bit. Kept busy. Doing things," Rose said quickly. "Wasn't that interesting, really."

"Really?" The Doctor asked, looking at Rose who was blushing a little. Possibly. Maybe it was just her make-up.


End file.
